WRITING | HUMOR | BOLLOCKS

The Best of Salsa on Medium

Reuben Salsa in 1990. He hasn’t grown up at all.

Reuben Salsa’s writing has been described as the bastard son of Oscar Wilde if Oscar Wilde was suddenly thrown into a pool of radioactive waste after impregnating Britney Spears. The “best kept secret on Medium” says absolutely nobody. Here’s the brilliant and often divisive best of Reuben Salsa.

The Satirical

The Confessional

The Musical

The Humorous

The Political

The Controversial

The Seriously Historical

The BIGGEST viral post of bollocks you’ll ever read


I can’t get censored no matter how hard I try

Images from Dailychubs on Instagram

I’m done with Instagram. I feel the platform isn’t treating me fairly. No matter how much flesh I expose, the algorithm refuses to notice my plus-size body.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve freed my nipple in the most sexually contrived manner I could possibly do. I tarted my nipple up with glitter and rubbed various lube around the surrounding man boob, but still had no response. My nipples remained on display freely living life in sub-zero temperatures, all perked and erect for action.

I’ve shown off my inner thighs that stretch-marked their way up to my navel. I’ve slow-moed the wobble action with glistening sweat shaken off in terror like some after-beached dog shaking itself dry. My thigh curves luxuriously across the screen in monolithic arty slabs of…


IDEAS | SOCIAL MEDIA

I can’t clean anything out! Help!

Image by Laura Callaghan. Another bookmarked artist who I could never erase!

It began harmlessly enough. One bar had five favorite addresses. Life was simple and navigation was a breeze. Nothing troubled my world. I had everything at my fingertips. Then one day, I woke up to the sight of over 500 bookmarks.

I don’t understand how this happened. One moment I was a Buddhist monk, all lean and virtuous without any stress. The next, I needed to Marie Kondo my bookmarks and reevaluate my life. How did it get this bad?

Is this a reflection of my life? My interests spilling over into a labyrinth of folders and dead links from…


MUSIC | FESTIVALS

1992 was the worse Glastonbury line-up ever

Glastonbury 1992

Festivals are for the young. Fuck being old and camping in some dodgy tent in the English ‘summer’. It’s all about creature comforts when you hit a certain age. Besides, who wants to hear from an experienced muso repeatedly tell you how much better it was in their day? “Fuck off grandad,” he says as I proceed to tell you how much better it was in my day!

It was a rite of passage for the youth of England. Everybody, at some point, would make a pilgrimage to a summer festival. The two main festivals in the UK were Glastonbury…


EQUALITY | WOMEN | RACISM

The Google search term that reinforces inequality

Brunettes are the new blondes. Beauty reinforcing my prejudice. Screenshot by Author.

Have you ever tried doing a search term for beauty? What do you see? Google is a powerful tool that reinforces your worldview. But who created the standard for beauty? By whose definition are we being fed?

Google uses PageRank for all its calculations. PageRanks is a link analysis algorithm and it assigns a numerical weighting to each element of a hyperlinked set of documents. Basically, the more links to a page, the greater its importance. It’s a system that has been in operation since 1998 and continues to provide the basis for all of Google’s web search tools.

A…


The TBI office is running amok! We’ve been liberated and free to roam the pandemic streets claiming the world is a safer place! Collectively, we’ve harvested the greatest minds on the planet and declared Covid is over. Brace yourself for FREEDOM!

It’s been an interesting month.

Hooliganism reared its ugly fascistic head in the UK while a 60,000 bubble was created to watch a football match. The world embraces denial as New Zealand stares on in disbelief and severe isolation. The whole country is in quarantine restricting flights to and from the world. …


CULTURE | SATIRE

Thank God for Billionaires

One woman on board. The aptly named Wally Funk. It’s a win for democracy

Another great day for humanity. Bezos launches into space and lands successfully.

Watch as his giant rocket propels into the sky. Fully erect with the hubris of man. A projectile made to break barriers. His fiefdom rules all. Pretty soon he’ll begin to allow women to vote in his organization despite the terrible chaos of opinionated women would bring to a democratic system. Draw a line Jeff. Name the people who shouldn’t vote! People who don’t move down on the tube should lose their vote. People who bring a dog to work and do not share their dog should…


MUSIC

It was time to embrace the rebellion

Consolidated You Suck Remixes

It’s 1992. I’m horny as fuck and itching to get away from home and all its imperialistic trappings. My anger and resentment are boiling over. I’m a walking hormone factory. My cock has a mind of its own and all I want to do is get laid. Over and over and over again. Welcome to my final year as a teenager.

I had had enough. I was attending a college in heartland Essex. Every day I had to put up with the casual racism of the Graham Twins. Two bellends who thought they were God's gift to women. I sat…


HISTORY | LGBTQ

Gay in the UK’s not so recent chequered past

Photo by Nick Karvounis on Unsplash

What you may know about being queer in the UK probably involves Oscar Wilde’s imprisonment in 1895. You may have seen Gentleman Jack on the BBC portraying Anne Lister and her coded diary. Alan Turing, a renowned code-breaker was chemically castrated and later committed suicide after a lifetime hiding in the shadows. Being gay in the UK was a criminal offense.

The term ‘lesbianism’ dates back to the 19th century where an ancient female greek poet named Sappho lived on the island of Lesbos. She wrote love poems about women. The term ‘gay’ became popularized in the 60s and 70s…


SELF | MENTAL HEALTH

A quota-filling story that’ll depress you. Don’t read.

Photo by Bekky Bekks on Unsplash

So much noise on social media, so much doom. How do you cope? How do you teach your children to cope? Do you feel overwhelmed? What are you doing to get through the week?

It’s a struggle for me sometimes. The negative news is overwhelming. Ignorance helps. Hankering down and burying my head. Ignoring the world. Pretend this shit doesn’t bother me. It’s not happening. But who could live like that?

I try to stay positive, upbeat, smiling my way through the day. But it’s impossible to keep going with that attitude. I’m constantly at war with myself. Fighting or…

Reuben Salsa

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