WRITING | HUMOR | BOLLOCKS
The Best of Salsa on Medium
Reuben Salsa’s writing has been described as the bastard son of Oscar Wilde if Oscar Wilde was suddenly thrown into a pool of radioactive waste after impregnating Britney Spears. The “best kept secret on Medium” says absolutely nobody. Here’s the brilliant and often divisive best of Reuben Salsa.
The Satirical
The Confessional
The Musical
I can’t get censored no matter how hard I try
I’m done with Instagram. I feel the platform isn’t treating me fairly. No matter how much flesh I expose, the algorithm refuses to notice my plus-size body.
I’ve tried everything. I’ve freed my nipple in the most sexually contrived manner I could possibly do. I tarted my nipple up with glitter and rubbed various lube around the surrounding man boob, but still had no response. …
HUMOR | SATIRE
He believed passionately in his why
Uncle Ivan worked for the municipal government of Prague. He was a gracious man. He always had a handful of candy in his pockets to hand out to little kiddies. Uncle Ivan believed in the state. He believed in order. …
HUMOR | SATIRE
Fuck networking events
I hate networking events.
To me, they feel like being trapped in a hot air balloon. One look around at the increasingly aggressive landscape and I’m left clutching life lessons to my chest. There’s no room to move in a hot air balloon. …
MUSIC | PUNK
New music with attitude. It’s PUNK-GRIME.
Slowthai scares me. Being a judgemental type of person, I would cross the road if I saw Slowthai approaching. This man looks manic and incredibly confrontational. He oozes rage and froths at the injustices of the world. This man makes Jason look like a model of calm and introspective behavior.
…
HUMOR | SATIRE
Finger licking good
If you dress a monkey in silk. It’s still a monkey.*
My fuck buddy is a deep fake. I know this now. It’s when she fully turned from Karen into Obama that I suspected something was up and not just my knob. I wondered if being turned on by an…
COVID-19 | JUDAISM
Does this woman deserve the backlash?
Another day of protests across the globe as hundreds declares their rights about not being vaccinated. The majority of the world is protecting the few by having the vaccination, but in their eyes, the virus can’t be that bad because they’ve never had it. It’s a human rights issue. …
INSOMNIA | WRITING
The tyranny of being unable to sleep
Another night lying awake wondering and wondering and wondering. The brain is aflame with words and wild scenes. Racing to be heard against the fugue of mindless thoughts. It’s going to be a long day today. Tomorrow. The week. I know I won’t be able to function in my day…
HISTORY | HUMOR
The meaning behind the name ‘Arctic’
“Ernie! ERNNNNNNIEEE!”
“WHAT!!!!!?”
“There are no bears here!”
So began the infamous conversation that would lead Ernie Shackleton to name the southernmost frozen continent, ‘Antarctica’. * Shack was out late drinking and clubbing seals and was having difficulty finding an Uber. The last Polar Express had left over an hour…
MUSIC | CANNON
Here’s a dagger straight to the heart of bullshitty guitars
The Riff is a wonderful publication. I love The Riff. I love The Riff writers. But when are we going to start seeing more modern music? It’s all posts about old-time favorites and classics from the school of rock. It’s all ranting against modernism and the cuddling embrace from the…
