SOCCER | FOOTBALL | SHIT GUIDE

FIFA World Cup: A Shit History of England

Reuben Salsa
5 min readNov 22, 2022

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England supporters look nothing like the Adobe Stock image.

Welcome to the first of many shit guides to the FIFA World Cup in Qatar. Allow me to present an idiot’s worldview of the beautiful game with colossal untruths and crap commentary.

None of the following passages should be taken as gospel.

ENGLAND

1930–1962

Pre 1966, England didn’t give a shit about the World Cup. Much like the Americans and their bogus Baseball World Series, the English knew they were the greatest nation on the planet to play football and didn’t need the rest of the world to show them otherwise.

England didn’t bother showing up for the first World Cup held in Uruguay. It was too far and they all needed to be home in time for tea with mummy.

Feeling full of righteous anger, the English entered their first tournament in Brazil, in 1950 in order to show their superiority to the former Nazi lovers of Europe. It didn’t end well when the USA rabbit-punched the former Allies in a historic 1–0 victory. The English sobbed all the way home and vowed never again.

Four years later and after rewriting the rules, the English were feeling smug when they didn’t have to play the 2nd seeded side in their group. Unfortunately, former World champions Uruguay beat England in a dazzling display of ‘I told you so’. Technically and tactically inept, the English stole the ball and once again vowed to never play again unless they were hosting, provided all the referees and time was run by Greenwich.

Two more shit world cup campaigns followed with Winterbottom losing his job for failing to beat Johnny Foreigner. Alf Ramsey takes charge and a new dawn is on the horizon.

1966 and all that

Without needing to qualify, the English finally felt they could win a world cup if only a bloody dog didn’t steal the trophy. The public duly turned up in their best bowler hats, stroking chins and force-feeding babies pies the size of large bulldogs that had been butt-fucked by the aristocracy.

The Queen claimed all the glory while proudly remarking that ‘football has come home’ to Sir Bobby Moore, West Ham’s greatest footballer…

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