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FIFA World Cup: A Shit History of England
Welcome to the first of many shit guides to the FIFA World Cup in Qatar. Allow me to present an idiot’s worldview of the beautiful game with colossal untruths and crap commentary.
None of the following passages should be taken as gospel.
ENGLAND
1930–1962
Pre 1966, England didn’t give a shit about the World Cup. Much like the Americans and their bogus Baseball World Series, the English knew they were the greatest nation on the planet to play football and didn’t need the rest of the world to show them otherwise.
England didn’t bother showing up for the first World Cup held in Uruguay. It was too far and they all needed to be home in time for tea with mummy.
Feeling full of righteous anger, the English entered their first tournament in Brazil, in 1950 in order to show their superiority to the former Nazi lovers of Europe. It didn’t end well when the USA rabbit-punched the former Allies in a historic 1–0 victory. The English sobbed all the way home and vowed never again.
Four years later and after rewriting the rules, the English were feeling smug when they didn’t have to play the 2nd seeded side in their group. Unfortunately, former…
