TECH | HUMOR

The Secret Hack To Use When You Speed Test Google

This hack will unlock a whole new world

Speed Test Google reveals an unlikely hack. Photo by Nathana Rebouças on Unsplash

My computer was down. As a part-time Full Stack Developer, I couldn’t afford to waste a single minute trying to fix the issue. I had already googled ‘444 meaning’ and ran into the same problem. Like Marty McFly, I needed more speed and only a lightning bolt from a clock was going to make it happen.

I checked my digital dial. It was 10.01 pm. I had three more minutes to hook up my generator before the lightning struck. The pattern was good. I had loaded my ETL into the various systems and my SWF player was showing me the green.

It was at that point I realized my snowflake IPO was making nonsense of my whole sordid story. I was jumbling tech words around trying to make shit fit without fully understanding what 5e Tools or Quantum Financial Systems were. I’m no tech wizard and 444 has no meaning for me. The dial had shifted to 10.02 pm. I had two minutes to go back in time and pretend this whole crappy story never happened. That and I needed some Szechuan sauce from 1998.

There was only one thing left to do. I reached for my old copy of Byte Magazine. It was their 20-year anniversary issue when the future looked bright and they couldn’t possibly imagine their insular world was a mere three years away from collapse. Inside was the article I was looking for. It was several years before Google was even founded, but there on page 14 next to the advert for WinBook XP featuring Intel technology, was the future-proof hack.

“There’s no such thing as a bug-free computer product. It’s the unfortunate nature of the beast. Therefore, if you were going to release a product into the market, you should know ahead of time what you would do if the worse happens.” Raphael Needleman, Byte Magazine 1995.

The 20th-anniversary issue of Byte Magazine with the Speed Test Google hack embedded in code on these pages. Image source Internet Archive

Needleman wasn’t wrong. Here was a man who groomed like Tom Selleck and wore a suit that suggested he knew stuff. Big stuff. Stuff that could fill oodles of pages on tech and full-stack developers with snowflake IPOs and 5e tools. Needleman had seen the future. His eyes revealed a haunted outlook that would no longer contain Byte Magazine and its 300 pages of tech-talk.

In between the lines were hidden a secret code for future tech-heads to discover. It contained the hack that would unlock a whole new world when you Speed Test Google. I don’t understand how Needleman knew there would be a Google and that you could speed test on Google, but he did. Needleman’s future was bleak. He would later be swallowed by the manifestation of a 444 Meaning. It would gobble him whole and then murder his offspring in a hideous manner bespoke of a tech-crunching giant.

Once I saw the pattern, I wondered if anyone else had stumbled upon this hack. Was I the only one?

Back at my desk, the clock had shifted to 10.03 pm. I sat with my finger above the trigger ready to dial back to 1998. Needleman’s code was imprinted and ready to be unleashed at the exact moment the clock struck four minutes pass. This one hack was about to change my life.

Enough of the worded foreplay. You’re here for the main event. You want to know what the hack is. Was it a success? Did I make it to 10.04 pm in time? How on earth will your life change for the better. What could you possibly do when you speed test Google that’ll become a life-affirming experience? What is the hack that Needleman had stumbled upon?

I’m sorry, I can’t tell you here.

What I can promise you though, it will change your life. AND, I’m giving that away for free.

Comment below if you want to learn the answer.

DON’T FOLLOW ME. Send help to thebadinfluencenation@gmail.com